"The Last House on the Left(R)-Killers rape & leave a girl for dead, then unknowingly go to her folks' house. Hi, Daddy. 8/10 Insinkerators."
Don't criminals know you can't just assume someone's dead when you shoot them? Don't they watch movies? A family heads to their vacation home, and their 17 year-old daughter wants to hang out with her local friend. Her pot-smoking, boy-crazy friend. See where this is going? They get held hostage after trying to buy weed from the killer's non-killer teenage son. Long story short, girls try and escape, killers crash car, kill one girl, leave the other for dead in the lake and find the nearest house to hold up for the night and ride out a storm. Thanks to the smart girl's wrong direction tip, the nearest house is her own. Her parents let the 'accident victims' stay the night in the guest house, and when the girl makes it back to the house, Mom & Dad realize what happened and team up to right the wrong......in the most gruesome, graphic, vengefully awesome ways you can imagine. Oh, yeah, we'll find a use for that broken old microwave yet.
The Last House on the Left(2009)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for sadistic brutal violence including a rape and disturbing images, language, nudity and some drug use.
Run Time: 110 minutes
Director: Dennis Iliadis
Cast: Sara Paxton, Tony Goldwyn, Monica Potter
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen(PG-13)-I'm gonna need you to go ahead and fit in more robot fights. That'd be great. 8/10 Deceptichicks."
Two and a half hours of non-stop action, minus the 20 seconds they took to show us that Megan Fox can airbrush graphics on a motorcycle while sitting on said motorcycle with her butt in the air and not looking. Michael Bay is a perv. A perv whose movies I will continue to see, but a perv. So, apparently it's possible to bring any dead alien robot back to life, leaving yet another sequel wide-open. Amazing effects, and super-loud sound. I would totally buy the beat-up ice cream truck Transformer if they sold it.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen(2009)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material.
Run Time: 149 minutes
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson
Two and a half hours of non-stop action, minus the 20 seconds they took to show us that Megan Fox can airbrush graphics on a motorcycle while sitting on said motorcycle with her butt in the air and not looking. Michael Bay is a perv. A perv whose movies I will continue to see, but a perv. So, apparently it's possible to bring any dead alien robot back to life, leaving yet another sequel wide-open. Amazing effects, and super-loud sound. I would totally buy the beat-up ice cream truck Transformer if they sold it.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen(2009)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material.
Run Time: 149 minutes
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The Other Boleyn Girl
"The Other Boleyn Girl(PG-13)-Dad trades kids to king for prosperity, only to end up like them-dead. 7/10 needless layers of lavish clothing."
Straight messed up. So this duke decides that, since the king's marriage is failing, he'll drop a girl from his family in there in hopes the king will like her and the whole family will live in luxury for the rest of their lives. And, since his sister married down, let's make it one of her daughters, and spread the greed to his brother-in-law. Here's the hitch: like any horny dude not tied down by a piece of paper, the king will look to another when the first gets pregnant. "Hey, Dad, why not send the first girl's sister in there to help our cause? That won't cause any sibling rivalry, or public disgust, or any unhealthy situations or anything." And so entire countries part friends, a king leaves his church (what church has to do with most of this is beyond me), and people are executed all because a dude got excited over a girl, and just HAD to have her.
The Other Boleyn Girl(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements, sexual content and some violent images.
Run Time: 115 minutes
Director: Justin Chadwick
Cast: Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Eric Bana
Straight messed up. So this duke decides that, since the king's marriage is failing, he'll drop a girl from his family in there in hopes the king will like her and the whole family will live in luxury for the rest of their lives. And, since his sister married down, let's make it one of her daughters, and spread the greed to his brother-in-law. Here's the hitch: like any horny dude not tied down by a piece of paper, the king will look to another when the first gets pregnant. "Hey, Dad, why not send the first girl's sister in there to help our cause? That won't cause any sibling rivalry, or public disgust, or any unhealthy situations or anything." And so entire countries part friends, a king leaves his church (what church has to do with most of this is beyond me), and people are executed all because a dude got excited over a girl, and just HAD to have her.
The Other Boleyn Girl(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements, sexual content and some violent images.
Run Time: 115 minutes
Director: Justin Chadwick
Cast: Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Eric Bana
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Waltz With Bashir
"Waltz With Bashir(R)-Israeli filmmaker documents atrocities of a war he fought in, but forgets his memories and his camera. 9/10 angry dogs."
This was a crazy cool way to make this film. Based on actual events in the First Lebanon War, a man having nightmares about his involvement serving in the war 20 years ago drives him to get help from his friend who served with him. Only thing is, the friend can't remember what happened, so he seeks out HIS friends who were there and slowly regains his memories of incredibly horrible things, almost Nazi-esque in magnitude, that took place while they were fighting. The film was made by doing interviews by audio only, then making the movie around them in computer animation. Very cool stuff.
Waltz With Bashir(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for some disturbing images of atrocities, strong violence, brief nudity and a scene of graphic sexual content.
Run Time: 90 minutes
Director: Ari Folman
Cast: Voices of Ron Ben-Yishai, Ronny Dayag, Ari Folman, Dror Harazi
This was a crazy cool way to make this film. Based on actual events in the First Lebanon War, a man having nightmares about his involvement serving in the war 20 years ago drives him to get help from his friend who served with him. Only thing is, the friend can't remember what happened, so he seeks out HIS friends who were there and slowly regains his memories of incredibly horrible things, almost Nazi-esque in magnitude, that took place while they were fighting. The film was made by doing interviews by audio only, then making the movie around them in computer animation. Very cool stuff.
Waltz With Bashir(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for some disturbing images of atrocities, strong violence, brief nudity and a scene of graphic sexual content.
Run Time: 90 minutes
Director: Ari Folman
Cast: Voices of Ron Ben-Yishai, Ronny Dayag, Ari Folman, Dror Harazi
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Proposal
"The Proposal(PG-13)-Mean boss is about to get deported, so she plans fake marriage with her loyal assistant. Hijinks ensue. 7/10 booty raps."
Cute, but try dumping a fake wedding on your loving family who you are very close to (minus Dad, who doesn't like anything you do, because you're not taking over the family business), with a woman that you badmouth to everyone, and see whose feelings get hurt. Don't forget the lengths comedy actors will go to to keep up a lie. My rating was a toss up between booty raps and dog-snatching eagles. Funny stuff.
The Proposal(2009)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for sexual content, nudity and language.
Run time: 108 minutes
Director: Anne Fletcher
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson, Betty White
Cute, but try dumping a fake wedding on your loving family who you are very close to (minus Dad, who doesn't like anything you do, because you're not taking over the family business), with a woman that you badmouth to everyone, and see whose feelings get hurt. Don't forget the lengths comedy actors will go to to keep up a lie. My rating was a toss up between booty raps and dog-snatching eagles. Funny stuff.
The Proposal(2009)
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for sexual content, nudity and language.
Run time: 108 minutes
Director: Anne Fletcher
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson, Betty White
Monday, October 12, 2009
Shakespeare in Love
"Shakespeare in Love(R)-So women couldn't perform on stage, but they'd let two dudes kiss? Queen rules! 8/10 fake flavor-savers."
Man, did I have this one wrong. First of all, this was not on my Netflix queue for those of you wondering. When offered a stack of movies free-of-charge, how is a twitty movie reviewer to decline? I heard this was a comedy, so I started with it. I was pleasantly surprised by the portrayal of 16th century "Hollywood", what with its "studio" rivalry, "censorship" politics, and the like. Comedy aside, in perusing the DVD extras, a set of Shakespearean facts informs that most of the movie was actually pretty accurate. I'm pretty sure the only reason it got an 'R' rating was the boobies. Nicely done. The movie, not the boobies. Well, those were nice, too.
Shakespeare in Love(1998)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for sexuality.
Run Time: 123 minutes
Director: John Madden
Cast: Joseph Fiennes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geoffrey Rush, Tom Wilkinson
Man, did I have this one wrong. First of all, this was not on my Netflix queue for those of you wondering. When offered a stack of movies free-of-charge, how is a twitty movie reviewer to decline? I heard this was a comedy, so I started with it. I was pleasantly surprised by the portrayal of 16th century "Hollywood", what with its "studio" rivalry, "censorship" politics, and the like. Comedy aside, in perusing the DVD extras, a set of Shakespearean facts informs that most of the movie was actually pretty accurate. I'm pretty sure the only reason it got an 'R' rating was the boobies. Nicely done. The movie, not the boobies. Well, those were nice, too.
Shakespeare in Love(1998)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for sexuality.
Run Time: 123 minutes
Director: John Madden
Cast: Joseph Fiennes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geoffrey Rush, Tom Wilkinson
Friday, October 9, 2009
Adventureland
"Adventureland(R)-Broke college grad takes carnival job to get to grad school, but finds love & more brokeness instead. 6/10 glued-on hats."
While the soundtrack was decent, this story could have been told anywhere, anytime. Why they chose a mid-1980's carnival, I haven't the foggiest. I'm guessing the budget was the reason the most famous actor had one of the smallest parts. Some funny moments by the SNL duo that ran the joint, though. Finally, the good guy goes for the bad girl.
Adventureland(2009)
MPAA rating: Rated R for language, drug use and sexual references.
Run Time: 107 minutes
Director: Greg Mottola
Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader
While the soundtrack was decent, this story could have been told anywhere, anytime. Why they chose a mid-1980's carnival, I haven't the foggiest. I'm guessing the budget was the reason the most famous actor had one of the smallest parts. Some funny moments by the SNL duo that ran the joint, though. Finally, the good guy goes for the bad girl.
Adventureland(2009)
MPAA rating: Rated R for language, drug use and sexual references.
Run Time: 107 minutes
Director: Greg Mottola
Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Body of Lies
"Body of Lies(R)-A struggling CIA agent in the Middle East finds that bonds with locals are worth more than satellites. 8/10 broken fingers."
At first I thought this movie was pitting a CIA agent (DiCaprio) with his geographically distant, uncaring handler (Crowe), but about halfway through, they started working together. The contrast between the two showed how unattached decision makers take what they have, use it, and discard; while those in the thick of it see how valuable relationships and patience are. It also shows how some people get fat.
Body of Lies(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for strong violence including some torture, and for language throughout.
Run Time: 128 minutes
Director: Ridley Scott
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe
At first I thought this movie was pitting a CIA agent (DiCaprio) with his geographically distant, uncaring handler (Crowe), but about halfway through, they started working together. The contrast between the two showed how unattached decision makers take what they have, use it, and discard; while those in the thick of it see how valuable relationships and patience are. It also shows how some people get fat.
Body of Lies(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for strong violence including some torture, and for language throughout.
Run Time: 128 minutes
Director: Ridley Scott
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe
Monday, October 5, 2009
Chaos
"Chaos(R)-Bad cop bank robbers play philoso-footsie with only good cop who hasn't been there long enough to turn bad. 7/10 smelly 10-spots."
I think the real reason Wesley Snipes went to jail was for making silly movies. I think his contracts always include a quota for one-liners, and it's always set too high. This movie had some pretty good twists, but some parts obviously happened too easy. Worth sitting through, though.
Chaos(2005)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for violence and language.
Run Time: 106 minutes
Director: Tony Giglio
Cast: Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe, Wesley Snipes
I think the real reason Wesley Snipes went to jail was for making silly movies. I think his contracts always include a quota for one-liners, and it's always set too high. This movie had some pretty good twists, but some parts obviously happened too easy. Worth sitting through, though.
Chaos(2005)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for violence and language.
Run Time: 106 minutes
Director: Tony Giglio
Cast: Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe, Wesley Snipes
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Slumdog Millionaire
"Slumdog Millionaire(R)-A game show winner convinces cops he wasn't cheating by telling his disturbing life story. 9/10 open-air toilets."
It's crazy enough to see some of this stuff in a movie, but to know that some people actually live like this is unnerving. It's nice that the movie gods always like for there to be some karma every now and then. One of my favorite things about a movie is if the kids can act. This is one of those movies. Some intense situations for them, too. It's also nice when the corrupt get theirs in the end as well. Great soundtrack.
Slumdog Millionaire(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for some violence, disturbing images and language.
Run Time: 120 minutes
Director: Danny Boyle, Loveleen Tandan
Cast: Dev Patel, Freida Pinto
It's crazy enough to see some of this stuff in a movie, but to know that some people actually live like this is unnerving. It's nice that the movie gods always like for there to be some karma every now and then. One of my favorite things about a movie is if the kids can act. This is one of those movies. Some intense situations for them, too. It's also nice when the corrupt get theirs in the end as well. Great soundtrack.
Slumdog Millionaire(2008)
MPAA Rating: Rated R for some violence, disturbing images and language.
Run Time: 120 minutes
Director: Danny Boyle, Loveleen Tandan
Cast: Dev Patel, Freida Pinto
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